


cue all the love to leave my heart

by excelsior



Series: don't be afraid- I feel it too. [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-03
Updated: 2017-01-03
Packaged: 2018-09-14 11:12:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9179014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/excelsior/pseuds/excelsior
Summary: His past makes terrific ghosts, and the girl might just be the best one yet.





	

He was. 

A lifetime ago, many things. Some more so than others. Those are the hardest to forget. On the other hand, they make terrific ghosts.

He looks at the helmet, charred and deformed, and if not for his unwavering faith he would find it difficult to believe this was the same lump of plastic the entire galaxy once cowered over.

No matter, he thinks. There is a new one now, a fresh face of malicious intent and all-encompassing anger and misdirected power. There is a new name, too. It is not as intimidating-  _Kylo Ren_ sounds like a name given in light of affection, and not that of the heir of Darth Vader, if he were being honest with himself. But, honesty is dangerous. An insipid value that often leads to guilt and self-doubt, and Kylo Ren does not deal in those.

Honesty belongs to _was._ Jedi, son, Solo- _was._ His father, whom he looked in the eyes as he shoved his lightsaber through,  _was._

He _was-_ but not anymore.

* * *

"I hope we never feel the repercussions of your historywith the girl."

Hux keeps his face impassive to the supreme leader, but the slightest arch of his eyebrow betrays perplexity. Kylo thinks his mask is shrinking, suffocating him and he _cannot breathe-_

He puts both hands behind his back, and clutches a fistful of cloak as discreetly as he can. The subtlety is lost, of course. There are only two people in the galaxy who have ever seen Kylo Ren suffer an anxiety attack, and one of them is glaring directly in his face. As for the other, he taught Kylo to breathe deeply and let the force flow around him like a lullaby, no longer the teacher but the uncle, saying in a gentle tone-  _It's alright, Ben._

"The girl remembers nothing." 

"That is not a guarantee."

"No," and even through his mask, there is the slightest tremor in his voice. "But even if she does, it means nothing to me. Her memories lie with Ben Solo, and he is  _dead."_

Dead like his father, who fell at his own hands. Dead like the light in the eyes of Leia Organa, the first time she saw her son become a murderous beast with a mask that reminded her painfully of her father's. Dead like the hope of the resistance, after he finishes slaughtering the last Jedi whose life he inexplicably saved a lifetime ago.

A scrawny little kid strong in the force, her hair in three knots and an omnipresent grin on her face, taunting him with childish insults and making him laugh with stupid jokes. The same kid he grabbed by the robes and threw forcefully into a ship, then left to rot in Jakku, a backward planet so far removed from the new life he had hoped to lead.

He wiped her memory first, then toyed with his own, keeping everything intact except for her name. The memories remained, but without her name they hold no sentiment. Just a useful, painful reminder of the boy he needed to kill to fulfill the destiny he so desperately wants to be his own.

His first, and perhaps only friend.

 _Was,_ he reminds himself. She  _was._

And Kylo Ren prays to every condemned soul in hell that that is all she will ever be.

 

 

 


End file.
